Pub Invasion
27th April 2006

By Thomas Keown

Who knew that a tindaloo beat a vindaloo in the “phew” category for curries? Not Shock and surprise reverberated through the local Irish community after close to forty British men and women descended upon Doyle’s Irish Pub in Jamaica Plain last night, armed with ravenous appetites and sharp wits.

The group, later revealed to have links with the British Charitable Society – a shadowy New England organization with secret monthly meetings in abandoned downtown office buildings -- took possession of the pub’s revered ‘Menino Room’ and refused to leave until the last of the landlord’s Pickwick Ale and the waitress’s patience had been exhausted.

“There was nothing we could do,” said Fergus O’Mallery, manager on duty at Doyle’s on Thursday. “Some of my junior staff wanted to intervene and fight back, but for their own safety I couldn’t allow it. It was obvious that for some of them this was their big night out of the year and they were serious about their ale. Nothing was going to get in their way.”

The crown forces, deceptively attired in civilian clothes with frequent flashes of flair and splashes of style, left a trail of fish bones and empty pint glasses in their devastating wake. They were clearly enjoying themselves and were intent on doing so regardless of the consequences. The laughs, cheers and tall tales belted from rambunctious lungs betrayed an abject lack of sympathy for the senseless slaughter of scrod that fueled their furious fiesta.

“It was unbelievable,” said Todd Kropp, a JP resident and Doyle’s regular who happened to be dining in the bar that night. “In America we typically see the Brits as all about old hats, old English, and sober staidness -- but by-and-large a peaceful bunch. These folks exposed that as mere myth.”

Experts in international gastronomical disorder this morning speculated that the clash was not the result of spontaneous over-exuberance sparked by a year of impatient anticipation -- building since last spring’s curry night -- as some have sought to paint it. But rather was an act of premeditated abandon. Some have suggested that it was a last hurrah by outgoing Charitable Society President, Tim Hunt, eager to prove his mettle to members of the British Officers club – a military organization he is reportedly eager to seize control of.

Others point more to those who weren’t there in order to fuel theories of conspiracy:

“It is significant that no media presence was permitted,” said Flavio Van Peebles of the Dutch Onion Ring Research Institute. “Even Michael Dawson from the Charter was absent and that is a clear sign that publicity was to be kept to a minimum. The only pictures taken were by Mrs. Susan Dugdale, but they showed only the labels of scotch bottles, and Mrs. Dugdale is well known as a close ally of Mr. Hunt.”

The British government moved quickly to distance itself from the rampage. “No members of Her Majesty’s Government had any prior knowledge of last night’s activities,” said a number ten spokesman. “Not even John Prescott -- although he would have come had he known about it.”   

Evidence in support of the premeditation allegations continued to build today as it emerged that former British Vice-Consul Kathy Tunsley was present just weeks after leaving her consular position to become a landscape gardener.

“It all seems just a little too coincidental,” said Boston police Chief Kathleen O’Toole of the timing. “For both Tunsley and Hunt to have left, and be leaving, prominent positions just before this incident suggests that they had been involved in planning it for some time.”

In a further blow to Tunsley’s protestations of innocence, police this afternoon found a pair of green Wellington boots strung over electrical wiring next to Doyle’s pub. Known as ‘tagging’, the stringing up of sneakers on overhead cables has become the premier means by which local gangs mark their territory in urban centers. Tunsley was unavailable for comment despite several attempts to reach her, but her husband, Roger, agreed to speak with reporters briefly.

“So that’s where they went!” he said. “She might at least have used her own.”

Reaction from around the world to the incident and aftermath was swift. President Bush described the action as a “proportionate response to an imminent clear and present threat of a hunger attack.” Bill O’Reilly of Fox News said that “This type of thing will continue to happen until we have secured our borders and deported all illegal immigrants. That will also give us better weather.”  Mayor Menino said “Thereyelmmphan” several times and left it at that. Brewers of Pickwick said “Wahay!” from gate 17, terminal A at Logan airport as they boarded a Delta flight for a three month vacation to Tahiti to celebrate a bumper end to the quarter.

It is unclear what action will follow and what charges will be brought against whom. But whatever happens, it seems unlikely that the British Charitable Society can be reigned in. They appear to be here to stay.

“This was a fabulous night of fun and friendship,” said Diane Bailey-Boulet, of the Society’s committee, in a prepared statement. “If members missed it, they really missed out. But we hope to see them at our November Ball. You think that Doyle’s was big? You haven’t seen anything yet.”